Simply Ben Glenn | The Simple ADHD Expert

This was incredibly frustrating to my clients. I was sure of this because of the phone calls that I got asking where I was. I was very frustrated with my tardiness as well.

I need about an hour to set up my show, but I usually arrived with 20 minutes to go before show time. I would be drenched in sweat from the frenzied setup before I even started talking. When I started flying to shows, it was just as bad. I took traffic and other distractions for granted and often was left racing to the airport.

Looking back, I had no concept of how to plan ahead and hold myself accountable to leave on time.

When we ADDers find something that ‘sparkles’, we create a hyperfocus on that sparkly thing. The rest of the world just fades away. We eliminate any recognition of time, responsibility, or tasks that we’re supposed to do. Plus, our mind moves so quickly, we think it takes less time to do something than it actually does.

A good thing to help ADDers be more responsible with their time: a Blackberry or iPhone or some kind of PDA with a good calendar system and alarms. Set the alarms accordingly to remind you to leave earlier.

A better thing to help you: personal accountability. Larry, who travels with me, helps me with time. He keeps me conscientious about when to leave. He even interrupts me when I’m signing autographs and talking with people when it’s time to move on.

In the past, we didn’t have the tools that we have now. At least that’s my excuse for being late so much that first year. I don’t think that a calendar would have been effective because there’s no alarm to remind me. Countless times I thought that my mental clock would give me ample warning, but ADDers do not usually have good mental clocks.

Whether you use a Blackberry, post-it notes, email reminders, traveling partners, or scheduled skywriting, my advice is to use something to help keep you accountable with your time. We ADDers need to plan ahead so that we don’t get ourselves in a stressful situation. There’s never a good time for one of those.

I owe it all to my special ed. teacher, Mrs. T. She gave me a cheap spiral notebook with the words ‘The Magic Notebook’ written on it. She told me that whenever I had a distracting moment in class, I should write whatever I noticed and any idea that I had into the notebook, close it, and put it away. Then whenever I didn’t have to pay attention to anything, I could pull out the notebook and be as ADD on it as I wanted to be.  ADDers come up with the most creative and innovative ideas ever, but those ideas often get lost because they’re not written down. I cringe when I think of all of the great ideas I lost when I told myself, “This is brilliant! I won’t forget it!!” and then two minutes later, it was gone. It made me just want to ask strangers to kick me in hopes that it would jog my memory (do not try that at home, kids). Adults, you can do it, record it, and upload it to YouTube, please.

My advice: Get your own magic notebook. Instead of a cheap spiral, I recommend a middle of the range notebook. Not so cheap that it falls apart, and not so expensive that you’d never want to write in it because it’s too nice.

Conveniently, the notebook that I sell on my website works well. It’s spiral-bound and color coordinated for different topics. Plus, it lays flat so you don’t have to deal with that hump in the middle of bound notebooks. Once you get your notebook, write your ideas down when they come to you.

Some of my best comedy comes from ideas that I wrote down in the middle of church. I always have a notebook with me. You’d probably do best with two notebooks: a big one that you can use when you have a backpack or similar bag and a pocket-sized one for all other times. I’ve found that the popular and sturdy Moleskine notebooks fit well in my pockets.

Along with your notebook, it’s a good idea to keep a pen with you. Some pens are flat so that they can slip into a notebook.

You never know when an idea’s going to come. You can’t prepare for the moment. You either write it down or you’re going to miss it. And because of that, you need to keep your magic notebook with you. Magic notebooks do wonders, but they can’t do anything when you leave them at home.

This post is inspired by a conversation I had with a woman whose husband has ADHD. She said that their marriage was going through a rough time because her husband blamed all of his failings on his ADHD. He used it as an excuse to get out of helping around the house, helping with the kids, and working on their relationship. Sadly, their marriage was headed toward a negative conclusion.

Early in my marriage, I did the same thing. I learned very quickly that excuses just don’t help me from growing, but have great potential to hurt the ones that I love.

There was a book that came out a little while ago called I’m Not Lazy, Crazy, or Stupid. That is extremely true – ADDers are not lazy, crazy, or stupid. But like everyone else, we have the tendency to be lazy. And on top of that, we have obstacles like the distractability that most people don’t have.

That leaves us with a choice. Do we

A. Find the help that I need accomplish the task that is more challenging than for most people?
B. Make an excuse to try to find a way to get out of it?

It’s often easier to come up with an excuse rather than dig deep for the internal motivation to move forward, especially when your goal is difficult.

I have a stack of books on my desk, but I struggle with reading. And when I say ‘struggle’, I mean like World War III. It’s a battle for me to read. However, my passion is to be helpful with those with ADHD. To be good at that, I have to educate myself, which means reading.

So, I fight to get the reading done. I find a way to set up the accountability, set aside the excuses, and recognize that I have the tendency to find more fun things to do instead. It’s only by battling to dedicate my time that I can finally read.

To learn to battle the temptation to make excuses, make a list of all of the challenges that you’d like to meet. For each challenge, come up with 3 positive ways that you can attack the problem. Then go for it.

When you’ve tried your best, come back to evaluate your list and try again in any area where you feel like you fell short.

Yes, you have ADHD. Yes, it comes with a lot of obstacles. However, you still have the capability to reach the big and difficult goals. There is enough help out there through books, life coaches, medicine, and more to help you meet your challenges and keep moving forward.

Don’t miss out on all of the fun, creative adventures that life has to offer. There’s certainly no excuse for that.

I’m thankful that I was able to accomplish my passion several times over. I thought I needed the perfect setting, but I didn’t; I just needed to dive in.

However, diving in isn’t exactly easy either. The problem is that we live in a world that pulls at us with so many demands, responsibilities, to-dos, and deadlines. Unfortunately, our passions are the first things to fall by the wayside when life gets busy.

Our passions are activities and pursuits that are most meaningful to us. Those are the things that truly move us in life; that we enjoy and derive great satisfaction and pleasure from. We should not let these go unfulfilled even if sometimes, these passions seem somewhat impractical and unrealistic – case in point, a dyslexic ADHDer wanting to write a book.

Over time, I’ve learned that the key to not getting side-tracked or discouraged is recognizing that if you work on your passion even a little every day, that work will add up. Before you know it, you’ll have a full-fledged achievement on your hands.

The reality of life is that a lot of busy work DOES need to be done, but if you’re the type that’s prone to put your own needs last, please remind yourself to make time for things that are important to you on a deeper, more personal level. Spending all your days on the busy work (emails, chores, etc.), at the expense of constantly putting the activities and people you love on the back-burner, until there is a perfect time might seem like the practical, responsible thing to do, but will ultimately make you feel short-changed and bitter.

Chasing a dream among the busyness of life is hard enough for “normal” people. It gets a lot more hairy when you’re “special.” ADDers aren’t exactly the best time-managers out there. We often have a problem understanding how quickly time can get away. And our tendency to hyperfocus on one thing makes us ignore the other things we could or should be doing. So this is definitely one area of our lives where accountability is the key to success – don’t be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help! And if you have the means I definitely recommend hiring an ADHD Life Coach to help you get started and keep on track.

Non-ADDers often see us distracted and struggling, but they don’t realize that we’re actually searching for focus and direction. Even though we have scattered brains, people with ADHD thrive on structured, laid-out projects. Every completed step is a boost, especially if it’s something that we’re interested in. And the sweetest part is the journey from A to B to C to D and finding joy in that accomplishment.

It’s important for people with ADHD to consistently have a project in motion. Frustration arises when there isn’t anything to keep the mind engaged. We need those moments of hyper-focus; activities that release neurotransmitters to create the focus that we desire.

To make the task more enjoyable, ask questions. This breaks the work down into bite-sized pieces. And if you have a project leader or boss, be sure to let them know about your focusing struggles. That way, you can get more direction after each step; not as micro-managing, but getting accountability set up for yourself.

But the project lifestyle isn’t all sunshine (unless you’re a heliologist). The ADDer needs to be aware that there will be a feeling of letdown upon completion of a project. I’ve noticed that I tend to go into a mild state of depression when I am between projects and lacking the focus and direction of being actively engaged in reaching a project goal.

Interestingly, for me this “letdown” happens when I return home from being on the road. For a long time my wife and I couldn’t figure it out. I love being home with my family. I would look forward to coming home and then I would get home and spend the next day or two feeling lost, disoriented and down.  Eventually, we came to understand that being on the road, was, in a way, a short-term project for me. The trip consisted of clear and sequential goals that I was comfortable achieving – travel to event location, set-up, speak, meet people, pack-up, spend night at hotel, travel home – and that coming home signaled the completion of the project. I was down not because I was home, but because a project had come to an end and I was left with an activity vacuum which my ADHD brain was not too fond of.

Now I know that after doing a series of shows, I need something to be already implemented when I get home, even if it’s just a planned day of rest. Though it can be a challenge to figure out how to focus on resting. I’m not so good at that.

Still, despite the risk of a letdown, the joy and reward of working on a project is well worth it. Start planning your project lifestyle, and you’ll probably find yourself hooked on getting good work done.

My special education teacher had me write out my spelling words so many times that my hand would cramp up. I loathed the process of repetition, but results showed true.

Now, repetition has proven itself, and I can’t say that I hate it. If I put in my reps, I can rely on them to help me recall and effortlessly do what I need to do, even when I’m tired or distracted.

Not too long ago, I took up boxing (I told you that I’m special – some people take naps to relax, me, I like to punch things (and people) ), and my coach has me doing the same drills over and over.

He growls, “Ben, I am teaching you this so that when you are in the ring and you are tired, your body will respond without you even having to think about it.”

This came to light during a recent sparring match. Coach had been getting me to “slip a right jab.” This is when someone throws a right jab at you, and you turn to duck it and counter-punch with a left hook. I was absolutely exhausted during the fight, and then it happened.

In the post-fight debrief, Coach asked me if I saw what I did. I didn’t because I was too tired. He said that I slipped a right jab and threw a left hook; he called it “perfect.” (I was just glad that I could stand upright.) And it was all due to repetition.

People wonder how I, an ADDer, can draw a picture in 12 minutes and 33 seconds or keep my thoughts in order while speaking. It’s because I have done the drawing and the speech so many times that I can probably do it in my sleep. Because I struggle with reading, I work hard to memorize Bible verses so I don’t have read in front of church groups. I turn to the page, but I don’t read it; it just cues me to recall the passage.

ADDers know what it’s like to have a scattered brain; repetition is definitely one of the things that can combat that scatter. Whether it’s music, athletics, performing, or anything else, we can use repetition so that when we’re tired and ADHD flares up, we can work off of instinct.

Practice does make perfect. And that’s something worth repeating.

ADDers are risk takers. It’s not because we don’t have fear. We just have a desire for adrenaline release. It’s like we subconsciously know that doing something risky will release the neurotransmitters that help our brains function like everyone elses.

Being a risk taker can be a good thing. Not everyone can do scary jobs like teaching skydiving, racing cars, being a rodeo cowboy, or speaking onstage. One field that ADDers excel in, but isn’t exactly thought of as risky is sales. Many salespeople are paid by commission, so if you don’t make the sale, you don’t get paid. That’s pretty risky.

With high energy and a fun, extroverted attitude, ADDers are natural salespeople. Years ago, I was amazed to find that I was pretty good at it.

One summer, I worked with “Dads For Lads,” an organization of fathers against drunk driving. To raise support, they had kids sell T-shirts door-to-door. I spent the summer walking around with big stack of shirts on my arm, and I did pretty well. Another summer, I sold frozen pizzas door-to-door for a contest to win a free ‘outdoor education’ camping trip. I really wanted to go learn about the wilderness, build a fire, cook on it, and see all sorts of bugs and animals.

Most kids were too afraid to go door-to-door. There’s something intimidating about walking up to a door – you never know who’s going to answer: a pleasant mom, a hairy man, a whiny kid, or a drooling dog. The other kids averaged about 10 pizzas sold, mostly to their relatives. I sold 100, won the contest, and went away for my first-ever weekend of camping.

My undiscovered ADHDness helped me to knock on people’s doors and ask them to buy something. I didn’t worry about what people thought or who might answer the door. I was an excellent salesman, and if I weren’t doing what I’m doing now, I probably would have ended up in sales.

What I’m do now for a living has its own risks. It’s a common belief that there are more people who fear public speaking than those who fear death. And the audiences don’t make it easy either. At many of the public school assemblies where I speak, the kids are usually not happy to see me. The looks on their faces scream, “I dare you to try to impress me.” I’m thankful to have many more happy endings than horror stories over the years.

If you have ADHD and have recognized the joy in taking risks, find something positive that’s worth taking a risk for; something that you dream about or love to do; something good that will make a difference in people’s lives. Oh, and preferably something that the police don’t have a codename for.

I can relate. I need an outlet. I have a short fuse and have the capacity to explode like most ADDers. We unleash our energy in different ways. Some of us are physical, others are verbal, and others internalize it, which leads to internal explosion.

Explosions in movies are cool. And so are the ones in fireworks. But ours are almost never good. We need to channel that energy before it has the chance to do us or others harm.

Boxing has been an excellent outlet for all of my energy and especially on those days when energy and frustration are present at the same time. Like when I’m ready to deplane after that long 5 hour flight and some other passenger yanks their bag out of the overhead compartment and knocks me in the head. And to add insult to injury doesn’t even apologize. Those moments I am especially grateful that I have a punching bag waiting for me.

So, I encouraged Blake to find an outlet, with exercise being a perfect choice. The physical activity eat up a lot of energy, keeps you in shape, and releases endorphins. And if exercise is not your thing, there are plenty of other outlets like music, chess, fishing, or even crocheting (teach that yarn a lesson!). Whatever it is, just make it something that you love to do and will be happy about pouring your energy into.

Blake is learning to recognize whether he’s getting to the point of exploding. So, instead of hitting a wall, he hits up his friends to help him. In addition to finding your outlet, that’s probably the best thing you can do about your pent-up energy.

I travel with my good friend and mentor Larry. He knows me well enough to see when I’m reaching my boiling point and pulls me aside before I get there. He’s helped me learn how to let frustrations go and change my attitude and mindset. And he can do this because I’ve given him permission to do so in our friendship.

I know that Larry has my best interests in mind. He doesn’t do all of this to be condescending or critical. He says, “I want Ben’s goodness to be seen.”

That’s someone who I’m proud to have as a friend and teammate. I highly recommend choosing a friend to walk with you in this struggle. He/she needs to be someone that you trust, and you need to give them permission to step into your life and show you some tough love.

Managing our energy level and frustrations is not an easy task. Find your outlet and find your Larry. It might take time and some trial and error, but you’ll be glad that you did. It beats punching a wall, because to be honest – the wall wins about every time.

I’m not pretty.

I’m not popular.

I’m too fat.

I’m not talented.

I’m stupid.

Family counselor J. Allan Peterson, in his book “Better Families” says, “Research shows that for every one negative thing you say to a child (or to yourself, I believe! – ben), you must say four positive things to keep the balance.” In my experience we are too slow to praise others or ourselves. As the attacks on ourselves pile up, it can get hard to find four times as many positive things to tell ourselves to balance things out.

We ADDers are extremely creative and resourceful, which are great talents to have. Unfortunately, sometimes that creativity gets channeled into new and different ways of putting ourselves down.

Self-awareness is the key to stopping the tide of negativity. First, recognize that you have two “voices” inside your head. I think of them as my “good” and “evil” voices. When your “evil” voice tells you negative things,  let your “good” voice speak up and tell the other one to shut it. Don’t know what I’m talking about with the voices? Think it sounds a little crazy? I promise you, I am not! Take the time to listen to what goes on inside your head and soon enough you’ll see that there is a dialogue going on inside your head. Just be sure to listen to the positive you!

Next time, your “evil” voice starts coming at you with negativity or criticism, out loud, say, “I’m not listening to this nonsense! I might not be the smartest or fastest or the best looking, but I have other things to offer!” Then list the things you enjoy doing and that you are good at. Try doing this exercise for a week and see what happens. Keep having the dialogue with yourself until it becomes a habit.

It will get so that any negativity that your pessimistic side tries to throw at you will go in one ear and out the other, and that’s where you want to be. And don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that when you’ve legitimately done something wrong and experience a feeling of shame and remorse that you should dismiss that, but what’s important to learn here is to tell the difference between an actual mistake and beating yourself up because you think you don’t fit some kind of a societal norm.

Second, understand that you are truly hurting yourself and that all that internal negativity is extremely harmful to you both mentally and physically. The old school-yard saying of “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is sadly completely untrue. I would even go as far as saying that a constant stream of verbal abuse is much more harmful than having someone hit you with a stick or throw a rock at you. (Of course we’re not talking about a tree falling on your head or a boulder steam-rolling over you or anything – in that case, yeah, that would be really painful!)

Last, but not least, remember that life has enough challenges without us giving ourselves a hard time. Give yourself a break and concentrate on building and encouraging yourself, not tearing yourself down. We all need and deserve a kind word a few times a day. Even you Packer fans (you know I love you, yes I do).

“Don’t worry, be happy” hits close to home for ADDers, too. Unfortunately, we’re really good at taking a small worry and blowing it out of proportion. It’s one more way for us to let our focus stray from what’s important. Kind of like stressing over forgetting my lunch when I walk out of the house in my boxers. Not that that’s ever happened. Promise.

When you have a small worry, fight the urge to fall down the rabbit hole. Before you get sucked into a state of panic, try to find the brighter side of the situation.

I like to tell school assemblies, “Remember that life is a journey.”

Tomorrow will not be the same as today. Today may have its problems, but tomorrow will bring new hope and resolutions, sometimes out of the most unexpected of places.

Before I go to bed, I try to remember that I have a choice: Do I allow my worries to overwhelm me, or do I choose joy and move forward? Every night, I want to choose to move forward, even it means asking for help. I don’t want my circumstances to dictate my choices for me.

So, make sure to stay in control. Don’t let your creative imagination blow a hamster-sized struggle into a Godzilla-sized one. Happiness a lot bigger than worries. It was true in ’88, and it’s true in ’09.