Simply Ben Glenn | The Simple ADHD Expert

Non-ADDers often see us distracted and struggling, but they don’t realize that we’re actually searching for focus and direction. Even though we have scattered brains, people with ADHD thrive on structured, laid-out projects. Every completed step is a boost, especially if it’s something that we’re interested in. And the sweetest part is the journey from A to B to C to D and finding joy in that accomplishment.

It’s important for people with ADHD to consistently have a project in motion. Frustration arises when there isn’t anything to keep the mind engaged. We need those moments of hyper-focus; activities that release neurotransmitters to create the focus that we desire.

To make the task more enjoyable, ask questions. This breaks the work down into bite-sized pieces. And if you have a project leader or boss, be sure to let them know about your focusing struggles. That way, you can get more direction after each step; not as micro-managing, but getting accountability set up for yourself.

But the project lifestyle isn’t all sunshine (unless you’re a heliologist). The ADDer needs to be aware that there will be a feeling of letdown upon completion of a project. I’ve noticed that I tend to go into a mild state of depression when I am between projects and lacking the focus and direction of being actively engaged in reaching a project goal.

Interestingly, for me this “letdown” happens when I return home from being on the road. For a long time my wife and I couldn’t figure it out. I love being home with my family. I would look forward to coming home and then I would get home and spend the next day or two feeling lost, disoriented and down.  Eventually, we came to understand that being on the road, was, in a way, a short-term project for me. The trip consisted of clear and sequential goals that I was comfortable achieving – travel to event location, set-up, speak, meet people, pack-up, spend night at hotel, travel home – and that coming home signaled the completion of the project. I was down not because I was home, but because a project had come to an end and I was left with an activity vacuum which my ADHD brain was not too fond of.

Now I know that after doing a series of shows, I need something to be already implemented when I get home, even if it’s just a planned day of rest. Though it can be a challenge to figure out how to focus on resting. I’m not so good at that.

Still, despite the risk of a letdown, the joy and reward of working on a project is well worth it. Start planning your project lifestyle, and you’ll probably find yourself hooked on getting good work done.

My special education teacher had me write out my spelling words so many times that my hand would cramp up. I loathed the process of repetition, but results showed true.

Now, repetition has proven itself, and I can’t say that I hate it. If I put in my reps, I can rely on them to help me recall and effortlessly do what I need to do, even when I’m tired or distracted.

Not too long ago, I took up boxing (I told you that I’m special – some people take naps to relax, me, I like to punch things (and people) ), and my coach has me doing the same drills over and over.

He growls, “Ben, I am teaching you this so that when you are in the ring and you are tired, your body will respond without you even having to think about it.”

This came to light during a recent sparring match. Coach had been getting me to “slip a right jab.” This is when someone throws a right jab at you, and you turn to duck it and counter-punch with a left hook. I was absolutely exhausted during the fight, and then it happened.

In the post-fight debrief, Coach asked me if I saw what I did. I didn’t because I was too tired. He said that I slipped a right jab and threw a left hook; he called it “perfect.” (I was just glad that I could stand upright.) And it was all due to repetition.

People wonder how I, an ADDer, can draw a picture in 12 minutes and 33 seconds or keep my thoughts in order while speaking. It’s because I have done the drawing and the speech so many times that I can probably do it in my sleep. Because I struggle with reading, I work hard to memorize Bible verses so I don’t have read in front of church groups. I turn to the page, but I don’t read it; it just cues me to recall the passage.

ADDers know what it’s like to have a scattered brain; repetition is definitely one of the things that can combat that scatter. Whether it’s music, athletics, performing, or anything else, we can use repetition so that when we’re tired and ADHD flares up, we can work off of instinct.

Practice does make perfect. And that’s something worth repeating.

ADDers are risk takers. It’s not because we don’t have fear. We just have a desire for adrenaline release. It’s like we subconsciously know that doing something risky will release the neurotransmitters that help our brains function like everyone elses.

Being a risk taker can be a good thing. Not everyone can do scary jobs like teaching skydiving, racing cars, being a rodeo cowboy, or speaking onstage. One field that ADDers excel in, but isn’t exactly thought of as risky is sales. Many salespeople are paid by commission, so if you don’t make the sale, you don’t get paid. That’s pretty risky.

With high energy and a fun, extroverted attitude, ADDers are natural salespeople. Years ago, I was amazed to find that I was pretty good at it.

One summer, I worked with “Dads For Lads,” an organization of fathers against drunk driving. To raise support, they had kids sell T-shirts door-to-door. I spent the summer walking around with big stack of shirts on my arm, and I did pretty well. Another summer, I sold frozen pizzas door-to-door for a contest to win a free ‘outdoor education’ camping trip. I really wanted to go learn about the wilderness, build a fire, cook on it, and see all sorts of bugs and animals.

Most kids were too afraid to go door-to-door. There’s something intimidating about walking up to a door – you never know who’s going to answer: a pleasant mom, a hairy man, a whiny kid, or a drooling dog. The other kids averaged about 10 pizzas sold, mostly to their relatives. I sold 100, won the contest, and went away for my first-ever weekend of camping.

My undiscovered ADHDness helped me to knock on people’s doors and ask them to buy something. I didn’t worry about what people thought or who might answer the door. I was an excellent salesman, and if I weren’t doing what I’m doing now, I probably would have ended up in sales.

What I’m do now for a living has its own risks. It’s a common belief that there are more people who fear public speaking than those who fear death. And the audiences don’t make it easy either. At many of the public school assemblies where I speak, the kids are usually not happy to see me. The looks on their faces scream, “I dare you to try to impress me.” I’m thankful to have many more happy endings than horror stories over the years.

If you have ADHD and have recognized the joy in taking risks, find something positive that’s worth taking a risk for; something that you dream about or love to do; something good that will make a difference in people’s lives. Oh, and preferably something that the police don’t have a codename for.

I can relate. I need an outlet. I have a short fuse and have the capacity to explode like most ADDers. We unleash our energy in different ways. Some of us are physical, others are verbal, and others internalize it, which leads to internal explosion.

Explosions in movies are cool. And so are the ones in fireworks. But ours are almost never good. We need to channel that energy before it has the chance to do us or others harm.

Boxing has been an excellent outlet for all of my energy and especially on those days when energy and frustration are present at the same time. Like when I’m ready to deplane after that long 5 hour flight and some other passenger yanks their bag out of the overhead compartment and knocks me in the head. And to add insult to injury doesn’t even apologize. Those moments I am especially grateful that I have a punching bag waiting for me.

So, I encouraged Blake to find an outlet, with exercise being a perfect choice. The physical activity eat up a lot of energy, keeps you in shape, and releases endorphins. And if exercise is not your thing, there are plenty of other outlets like music, chess, fishing, or even crocheting (teach that yarn a lesson!). Whatever it is, just make it something that you love to do and will be happy about pouring your energy into.

Blake is learning to recognize whether he’s getting to the point of exploding. So, instead of hitting a wall, he hits up his friends to help him. In addition to finding your outlet, that’s probably the best thing you can do about your pent-up energy.

I travel with my good friend and mentor Larry. He knows me well enough to see when I’m reaching my boiling point and pulls me aside before I get there. He’s helped me learn how to let frustrations go and change my attitude and mindset. And he can do this because I’ve given him permission to do so in our friendship.

I know that Larry has my best interests in mind. He doesn’t do all of this to be condescending or critical. He says, “I want Ben’s goodness to be seen.”

That’s someone who I’m proud to have as a friend and teammate. I highly recommend choosing a friend to walk with you in this struggle. He/she needs to be someone that you trust, and you need to give them permission to step into your life and show you some tough love.

Managing our energy level and frustrations is not an easy task. Find your outlet and find your Larry. It might take time and some trial and error, but you’ll be glad that you did. It beats punching a wall, because to be honest – the wall wins about every time.

I’m not pretty.

I’m not popular.

I’m too fat.

I’m not talented.

I’m stupid.

Family counselor J. Allan Peterson, in his book “Better Families” says, “Research shows that for every one negative thing you say to a child (or to yourself, I believe! – ben), you must say four positive things to keep the balance.” In my experience we are too slow to praise others or ourselves. As the attacks on ourselves pile up, it can get hard to find four times as many positive things to tell ourselves to balance things out.

We ADDers are extremely creative and resourceful, which are great talents to have. Unfortunately, sometimes that creativity gets channeled into new and different ways of putting ourselves down.

Self-awareness is the key to stopping the tide of negativity. First, recognize that you have two “voices” inside your head. I think of them as my “good” and “evil” voices. When your “evil” voice tells you negative things,  let your “good” voice speak up and tell the other one to shut it. Don’t know what I’m talking about with the voices? Think it sounds a little crazy? I promise you, I am not! Take the time to listen to what goes on inside your head and soon enough you’ll see that there is a dialogue going on inside your head. Just be sure to listen to the positive you!

Next time, your “evil” voice starts coming at you with negativity or criticism, out loud, say, “I’m not listening to this nonsense! I might not be the smartest or fastest or the best looking, but I have other things to offer!” Then list the things you enjoy doing and that you are good at. Try doing this exercise for a week and see what happens. Keep having the dialogue with yourself until it becomes a habit.

It will get so that any negativity that your pessimistic side tries to throw at you will go in one ear and out the other, and that’s where you want to be. And don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that when you’ve legitimately done something wrong and experience a feeling of shame and remorse that you should dismiss that, but what’s important to learn here is to tell the difference between an actual mistake and beating yourself up because you think you don’t fit some kind of a societal norm.

Second, understand that you are truly hurting yourself and that all that internal negativity is extremely harmful to you both mentally and physically. The old school-yard saying of “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is sadly completely untrue. I would even go as far as saying that a constant stream of verbal abuse is much more harmful than having someone hit you with a stick or throw a rock at you. (Of course we’re not talking about a tree falling on your head or a boulder steam-rolling over you or anything – in that case, yeah, that would be really painful!)

Last, but not least, remember that life has enough challenges without us giving ourselves a hard time. Give yourself a break and concentrate on building and encouraging yourself, not tearing yourself down. We all need and deserve a kind word a few times a day. Even you Packer fans (you know I love you, yes I do).

All of their responses were something like, “I just needed to try.”

Before coming on the show, instead dazzling audiences, these uniquely blessed and talented singers sold cell phones and delivered pizzas. They were in their 40s and let their talent sit for years, even decades. Fortunately for them, and us, they found the courage to take the leap of faith and reaped the rewards of trying.

The word ‘try’, only three letters long, can be a tough one for ADDers to swallow. We can be ultra-creative with all of the energy and enthusiasm in the world, but the reality is that we may suffer more failures than successes for a time. We may give up on trying, and all of that brilliance burns out.

In a hilarious bit, my favorite comedian Brian Regan admits that he stunk at spelling. The worst for him were spelling bees, which he says made him look stupid. Then there was always The Cool Kid in class who didn’t want to look stupid, so he would blow the first word just to get kicked out of the bee.

Teacher: “Spell ‘cat’.”

Cool Kid: “K-A-T. Alright, I’m outta here…”

And the Cool Kid struts off back to his seat. I’m sorry, but the Cool Kid is actually the one who looks stupid. While he gives up without even trying, Brian’s the cool one for trying even though he might fail (and for being an insanely brilliant comedian even though he didn’t know that when he was misspelling ‘box’).

People often tell me that they’ve always wanted to try art or speaking. One gentleman in his 50s confessed, “I’ve always wanted to try art. Watching you draw made me regret not getting into it.”

“What kept you from trying?” I asked him.

His honest answer: “I’ve always been afraid of failing; what people would think if I didn’t do something well.”

When you try, there’s always potential for failure. But how much more would you regret looking back as an old man or woman, knowing you didn’t give it a shot?

To everyone with ADHD who are weary and worried about failing: that’s part of the journey of life. You have to make the hard choices today – including the choice to try – to make tomorrow better. It’s far worse to not try and fail than fail to try.

Those personality traits don’t necessarily go across the board. There are some ADDers that are more introverted; they enjoy reading, writing, and more contemplative pursuits. But the crazy-go-wild type is more the norm.

They’re the ones that come up to me after shows and ask me everything under the sun about me, my work, my art, and my dogs. They’re also the ones who face stiff challenges in settings like the classroom. When the teacher says something, they just want to blurt out what comes to mind. Structure and quiet are not their friends.

Despite the challenges that come with ADHD, I ask you to consider taking ADHD as an opportunity to help others. Harness the joy and energy wound up inside of you and share it. Be infectious with positivity.

Since I notice every detail, I can often pick up on someone’s demeanor. I recognize facial expression, energy level, and the tone in their voice. I can see if someone is having a bad day. This is a gift; not everyone can notice all of this.

Keeping that ability in mind, I recently heard a line on the radio that spoke worlds to me: “Be kinder than you have to because everyone you meet is battling something.”

When we meet someone with a bad attitude, it’s hard not to take it personally. You want to ask, “What did I do wrong?” This is especially true in a marriage.

The key is to look past their exterior, not take their attitude personally, and infect them with the joy you have bubbling up inside. Try to get that bummed-out restaurant server to brighten up. You won’t always win them over, but when you do, it’s like winning a gold medal. It can be as simple as a smile, joke, compliment, or a good tip. You may not even see them brighten, but there’s a good chance that it will come afterwards.

On a recent flight, the nearby flight attendant was having a rough day. The tension around her was like an electric field that you could feel when she walked by. I knew I had to act.

So, during her pre-flight safety speech, I sent smiles, winks, and funny faces at her. By the end of her script, she was laughing. (disclaimer: Airline safety is no laughing matter.)

She came over to ask if I was OK. I smiled and said that I just wanted to infect her with some of my weirdness. She thanked me, and her demeanor transformed instantly. Ironically, we talked later, and it happens that her daughter had just been diagnosed with ADHD. That was certainly weighing on her heart.

You may not have to be a clown on a crowded airplane, but use your ADHD for good. Share your joy and energy. There’s plenty of need for it in this world, and we can keep going and going and going and going…

Rob lives in Sydney, Australia, and is an advocate for taking charge of your ADHD in a positive manner. He calls himself a Lifestyle Architect and has his hands in quite a few pies one of which is mentoring people with ADHD to help them lead more productive and fulfilling lives. Cool!

The House That ADHD Built is about creating a home that is ADHD-friendly. That means setting up an organized, but not anal, atmosphere that you can relax and rest in. Most people with ADHD live a chaotic life, and that chaos affects roommates and housemates, too.

Rooms are messy, desks are messy, yesterday’s underwear is in the freezer (it was a friend of mine, okay?). The interesting thing is, even though my office is messy, I know exactly where everything is. But while I know the contents of the room, the chaos still creates a level of stress. I don’t like to live in chaos. Organization is very valuable; to not have to search for something, but to know exactly where it is.

Rob gives good instruction on having “house” rules, their purpose, and how to put them in place. He explains the difference between a negative rule (“Don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink”) and a positive rule (“Please wash your dishes after you use them”). When you tell someone not to do something, they want to do it. This is especially true with risk-taking ADDers who love to toy with getting caught. As a dad, this means instead of telling my daughter “Don’t hit your sister,” I say “Respect your sister by keeping your hands to yourself.”

What makes this e-book a must-read for me is Rob’s idea of The Four Stations, a creative way to organize your home and maximize productivity. Here’s a quick rundown of the The Four Stations:

1. Communication Station – correspondences like mail, phone messages, and notes.
2. Destination Station – things you need when you leave the home like wallet, keys, purse/backpack, and money. When I travel, the top of the hotel TV is my Destination Station.
3. Education Station – things that help you learn and create like pens, books, and your computer.
4. Administration Station – things that run your life like bills, receipts, and important documents.

One of the greatest frustrations for ADDers is losing stuff. Your mind spirals downward into deep, dark hole agonizing over where that thing that you need might have ended up. Following Rob Hanly’s advice will save you that trouble more times than you’ll know.

The House That ADHD Built is useful, easy to read, and FREE. Go download it, read it, and start making your house a happy home for you or your favorite ADDer. Oh! And spread the word – truly ADHD-friendly resources like this one are hard to come by!

Drug-company conspiracy theories aside, and being fully convinced that ADHD is a real condition, I think that it is a heck of a lot better to put a name to the way you’re behaving or feeling – to be diagnosed – than to go around feeling like the loneliest freak in the world. Trust me, I know!!

I think the main reason why it seems like ADHD is being diagnosed more than ever is The Internet! Before, what was purely the domain of research scientists, doctors and medical journals, is now splashed all over blogs, and specialized sites. In particular, regular folks, like you and I are talking about this condition more than ever. Actually, the percentage of kids diagnosed  – 3-5% of the population – has not changed at all in the last 20 years. And some experts actually claim that there are AS many more children who remain undiagnosed. Knowing all that, makes it very hard for me to draw any conclusions.

The other consideration, especially when it comes to kids being diagnosed in 2009 vs. 1979 is that society has changed so much. What kids do with their time, how they entertain themselves, even the school day have changed and not necessarily for the better. Back when I was a kid, there were no video games, or the internet, or cable TV with 1000 channels! What we did for fun was a lot of physical activity, as well as more brain-stimulating activities like reading and a variety of games that didn’t include us having our eyeballs glued to the TV screen for hours at a time. I’m not sure how much science supports this, but based on what I know about the brain chemicals that help ADHDers act more “normal”, back in my day, they got released into our bodies on a much grander scale than they do now. And because of that the classic ADHD symptoms of hyperactivity, distractibility and impulsivity were minimized and much less noticeable. Well, that’s my theory anyway.

All that notwithstanding, having a diagnosis and learning about the treatment options that are available can give hope. At least there’s a small glimmer that you can do something to function better, to feel better, to have a higher quality of life.

What I find to be an interesting twist in the story of ADHD is that though there is now more information than ever about it, the public, by and large, remains ignorant of what it’s all about, aware only of the splashy headlines associated with it – I’m sure you know what they all are.  It’s sad when sensationalism and lack of understanding, prevents people from seeking a diagnosis for themselves or their children. At a conference in Boston, I gave breakout sessions and answered questions about ADHD and my experiences. After one of the sessions, a student came up to me very distraught,

“I know deep down inside that I have what you have,” she told me. She explained that her father won’t let her get tested because “he doesn’t want me to be what you are.”

She suspected that she had the characteristics, but it looked like she wouldn’t find out until she was old enough to pay for the diagnosis herself AND not be afraid of her father’s reaction. Hearing her story made me just a little mad. Just a little. Because I’ve been around ADHD for so long and have tried to educate myself as much as possible, sometimes I just take it for granted that everyone else understands it too. Listening to this girl was just another reminder that in fact, MOST people have little, if any idea of what ADHD really is. Honestly, I think it’s the name – Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder – that  really screws people up as it only, very partially describes the condition, yet paints a very vivid picture of what it may look like, a picture that is hardly the BIG picture.

I hope that if you suspect yourself (or your kids or spouse) to have ADHD, that you are neither afraid or embarassed to go see a specialist about your concerns. It is better to know one way or another. Don’t worry about getting labeled. A label is just that. It’s a little tag on the outside that doesn’t change anything about who you are on the inside. But it can help you move forward into a simpler, more focused and enjoyable life.